I started a hat:
It’s a larger version of the Aviatrix hat that I knit for M last winter, in some leftover Rowan Cork I had laying around in my stash. Gosh, that was a really nice yarn. Too bad it was discontinued (although the clearance sales associated with said discontinuation were the only reason I was able to HAVE any of that yarn, so there’s that).
It’s very nearly finished now, as you can see from the photo, and much like M’s Vahtralehekesed cardigan, it’s turning out none-too-big, but it should be big enough to fit her at Rhinebeck, and that’s what counts for now.
I’m really excited about going to Rhinebeck this year. We didn’t go last year, because it seemed like too much travel a month out from having a baby, and I missed getting to see my knitterly friends there. I’m really excited to get to introduce Madrigal to a lot of folks who’ve been following along online as she’s grown into the nearly 11-month old kiddo she is now.
I hope I’m able to show my excitement while I’m there. If you know me in real life (or on Twitter, which is a weird sort of extension of “real life” for me), you know I’ve been having a hard time lately. The stress of not knowing anything about what next year is going to look like has just been too much for me. I’m on the job market, and my husband is too, and while we know what we WANT (to move up to MN to be close to my family), given the nature of the academic job market, the odds of my being the one who’s able to move us there are pretty slim. My husband might have better odds (he’s looking for a programming job), but we just don’t know, and coordinating an academic and a non-academic job search is the stuff of nightmares. And it’s not like that’s the only stress in my life, but that’s the element I feel like has sent me a bit over the edge lately. My ability to be hopeful and optimistic is rooted in my ability to imagine a better future, and I just can’t really imagine the future at ALL right now. Me and (that kind of) uncertainty, we don’t get along very well.
There’s also coping with very little sleep (Maddy’s the sort of baby who wakes up every hour screaming for 1-2 weeks for each tooth she gets…I’m not even exaggerating, though I wish I were – I wish we could do more for our poor little bug!), trying to teach a very interaction-intensive class and make progress on my dissertation research while in that state of sleep-deprivation and with only part-time daycare, and then for the past month, having some sort of unkickable respiratory bug, which has put me even further behind on my class (I still owe them feedback on a paper they submitted almost 2 weeks ago, but I’m too exhausted to read more than a couple of papers at a time). It’s been difficult for me to reconcile the differences in my teaching that have been necessitated by the realities of motherhood (I’m so distracted, disorganized, and unfocused in class, now!), and I feel terrible about shortchanging my students (even though, based on my mid-semester evals, they don’t feel terribly shortchanged). Maybe it will get easier, someday?
There’s so much that’s wonderful about being Madrigal’s mother, and I feel kind of bad for writing about the stuff that isn’t so wonderful here, but I think it’s better to acknowledge the hard things than to do what I usually do, which is just put on a happy face and pretend everything’s just wonderful. It isn’t, but parts of it are, and I hope I can enjoy the wonderfulness of Rhinebeck despite my current exhaustion and gloominess. Thanks for listening to me vent, dear blog friends.